My name is Carl, I am from Holland. In the year 1998 I was alone at home, getting reading to go to bed and suddenly my nickname was called, several times. I was putting off the lights in the house and mind you, I am a man, but not afraid to say that I dislike darkness :-)))!! But, somehow I decided to not be afraid, so I wasn’t. And then I went to bed…..strange, because the normal me would run out of the house, but I decided that I was safe -, LOL. Well I didn’t know I really was!
The moment I closed my eyes I had a dream, but it wasn’t a dream, because I knew in my dream that my body was asleep, it was like a journey….in a cemetery…and all of a sudden my eyes were caught by a big statue on a tomb of an angel with wide open spread wings. And then I was again in my body…but still sleeping, seeing, being me, but I have to say, without a brain, without limits. And then I saw this man lying next to me in bed and I said to myself “there is a dead man lying next to me in bed and I am not afraid”. I even started to laugh. I turned my head back and then again and I saw him still there and all of a sudden I started feeling my body, back again and I became afraid, but couldn’t wake up immediately.
A couple of weeks later started for me a hell on earth. For some reason I lost all my friends, I had to leave the house I was living in, I felt alone. My friends turn into my enemies. I must have done something very wrong. Believe me when I say I am a good man, a good human. Maybe I did hurt someone, but fact is that long time ago I was lying in bed feeling uncomfortable about those friends and I wished that my life would change, I didn’t wish to lose my “friends”, but now I know there was no place for them in my new life. After that I forgot about angels and had a lot of downs, a.o. came home one night from work and found a letter on a table, my partner was gone, we didn’t see each other never again. I was depressed for three years, not understanding; but I did overcome. Next to downs I got a lot of highs, like finding a new apartment within 9 months; people wait years in Amsterdam for an apartment.
My life really improved outwardly. I was still with this feeling of incomplete. Some years passed and I bought my own apartment, I never thought that was possible for me, but I still felt incomplete. In the year 2005 I met my love and felt madly in love, still are, but since three years we’ve been experiencing so many lows.
I lost my apartment again. I trusted my brother and he misused my trust and left me with thousands of euro’s in debt. But the thing is amidst of everything I got all the help I wanted, many times only wishing it. I wanted to commit suicide because I didn’t understand the pain. It didn’t matter who was inflicting it, I just didn’t understand.
My relationship broke and I thought my brother was comforting me , caring. He was, but not without bad intentions. In the meantime I was weak, saying yes to everything, not seeing, not caring, not knowing that he was breaking my trust and my heart. I got a new apartment, but the pain was o big, I couldn’t see life, I couldn’t understand. I felt my heart was broken by the Universe; by God. I felt so betrayed; what have I done?
I was searching,my whole life until I got Conversation with God in my hands and that changed my vision, I started believing again. But, I couldn’t understand, seeing everything that happened to me, God still wants to get more out, I can’t anymore, I don’t have anything else God, I was crying. I dint understand why He would bring me somewhere and then let my heart be broken on such a cruel way. I hated God, for months!!!!
But God did not leave me!!!! i would get dreams. I would get beautiful emotions in meditations, answers were given, amazing. But still my mind was very powerfull.
Somehow, I decided to think of the year 1998 when I heard the voice. I started meditaiting and my whole body would start feeling as if it is glowing. I get nowadays, clear emotions of joy and love. My mind is not that strong as before, but I am worrying about my life and I am not used to let the controle go. My problems are not solved, but I am having divine experiences ( I call them divine, because that’s what they are for the mind, but in fact very natural), I am having this feeling to believe, to trust my inner voice. And beautiful things are happening, I mean everytime I pray and meditate I feel connection. I feel connection even when I dont do all of those things, I am constantly in contact, also because it is a good way to focus. But, I tell you, I am really scared becasue the road is new.
I am convinced that I was called to be aware, I was prepeared for everything, the books, the calling, the feelings…….all were telling me years before this torment started That I would be needing my Angels. I dint know at the time, until now that I am expereincing the same again…it is telling me to accept this in my life and then the change that I am feeling inside will be visible at the outside too.
I doubted so much in my goodness, becasue fear and strange experienes made me scared. I did mistakes, actions that pushed me further from Who I am. Since the feeling of companion is with me, all that guilt and “bad”actions started to make sense tome. I didnt do anything wrong, I did what my mind would let me do, because I clouldnt undrstand, and every “mistake”or “bad”action didnt pushed me further away, they did push closer; in the midst of everything, the voice became louder and more clear.
My problems are the same, but my wisdom is great, and everything, every new life, wishes or whatever the experience is that a human wants to experience, will always start from the inside. There is not one wish coming true, there is not one prayer that is heard, but all of them, and sometimes, a wish that you had years and years ago. So when it takes long and it is intense, know that the Angels have heard and that they are doing their work…..it will never fail!!!
I am laughing now, because the hurt gave me something so simple, so natural, so rich. I never imagined it would be like this, somehow I still fear outcomes, but I know I dont have.
Thanks for reading this. Excuse me my grammar :-))), but I wish that everyone who read this would understand and would be inspired, I know I am not alone.